WHY ARE WE LOOKING FOR LOVE?

LOVE IS IMPORTANT because it teaches you to hope. It teaches you that when bad times are here, good times are on their way. Love is when you smile through your tears. Love is when you learn to see the silver lining. Love is when sadness doesn't affect you because you know happiness can't leave you for long. Love is when a hug assures you that everything is going to be fine. Love is important because it gives you a high when times are low. Love teaches you to have patience for the good and some more of it for the best. Love tells you that even though winters are bad, they're here to only make way for the spring.

How to find a long lasting love in our life?

Find out how to be "Lovesmart" in a love-challenged world: LOVE SMART

Love Through the Years

THIS SON IS ABOUT A GREAT RELATIONSHIP THAT ANYBODY WILL BE HAPPY WITH...

I can't remember when you weren't there
When I didn't care for anyone but you
I swear we've been through everything there is
Can't imagine anything we've missed
Can't imagine anything the two of us can't do

Through the years, you've never let me down
You turned my life around, the sweetest days I've found
I've found with you ... Through the years
I've never been afraid, I've loved the life we've made
And I'm so glad I've stayed, right here with you
Through the years

I can't remember what I used to do
Who I trusted, who I listened to before
I swear you taught me everything I know
Can't imagine needing someone so
But through the years it seems to me
I need you more and more

Through the years, through all the good and bad
I knew how much we had, I've always been so glad
To be with you ... Through the years
It's better every day, you've kissed my tears away
As long as it's okay, I'll stay with you
Through the years

Through the years, when everything went wrong
Together we were strong, I know that I belong
Right here with you ... Through the years
I never had a doubt, we'd always work things out
I've learned what love's about, by loving you
Through the years

Through the years, you've never let me down
You've turned my life around, the sweetest days I've found
I've found with you ... Through the years
It's better every day, you've kissed my tears away
As long as it's okay, I'll stay with you
Through the years

IT'S A WONDERFUL FEELING TO HAVE SOMEBODY LOVING YOU Through the years...

CAN WE LEARN HOW TO HAVE THIS KIND OF GREAT RELATIONSHIP?

YES, WE CAN... IF WE UNDERSTAND SOMETHINGS WORK... AND SOMETHINGS DON'T... IN RELATIONSHIPS...

What's the BIG DEAL about Sex?

Why does it MATTER if I have Sex, or not? There Are Emotional Consequences of Premarital Sexual Involvement: Your sexuality is a huge part of who you are as a person. It is to be protected and safe-guarded for the good of your whole being, and only shared in a permanent, life-long, trusting, and committed monogamous relationship traditionally known as marriage. Otherwise, your whole being gets ripped and torn and you lose your identity as a unique person. No two people are exactly alike. Each of us is a unique, one-of-a-kind personality. And while every person will respond differently to situations and experiences, there are still many negative psychological consequences that most people experience to some degree when they engage in premarital sexual involvement. Here are 10 negative psychological consequences that many people experience: 1. WORRY ABOUT PREGNANCY, STDs AND AIDS For many people, this is a major emotional stress. Young sexual active people are worried and distracted each month that they might be pregnant, or might have caused pregnancy. Girls often buy home pregnancy kits and have a great deal of anxiety in their day-to-day activities. It may be difficult to concentrate on schoolwork or sports. At least 50% of sexual active people will get a genital HPV. this STD is very contagious and it has not cure. HPV-related cancers might not have signs or symptoms until they are advanced and hard to treat. STDs are more than just an embarrassment. They're a serious health problem. If untreated, some STDs can cause permanent damage, such as infertility (the inability to have a baby) and even death (in the case of HIV/AIDS). 2. REGRET AND SELF-RECRIMINATION "I get upset when I see my friends losing their virginity to some guy they've just met. Later, after the guy's dumped them, they come to me and say, 'I wish I hadn't done it.'" A ninth-grade girl who slept with eight boys in junior high says, 'I'm young, but I feel old.'" Girls are more likely to see sex as a sign of commitment in the relationship. They often feel cheap and cheated. "I never imagined I'd pay so dearly and for so long. Sex without commitment is very risky for the heart." - a 33-year-old psychiatrist from personal experience 3. GUILT Guilt is a special form of regret; it is a strong sense of having done something morally wrong. Morality refers to a code of behavior. Guilt is a normal and healthy moral response, a sign that one's conscience is working. Guilt may come from seeing the hurt one has caused other people by using them as sex objects. Guilt may come from knowing your parents would be upset if they knew of your sexual involvement. Guilt about sexual pasts can "cripple" people when they do get married, through flashbacks of previous sexual experiences. 4. LOSS OF SELF-RESPECT & SELF-ESTEEM Many people suffer loss of self-respect when they discover they have a sexually transmitted disease. Most people have no idea how prevalent STDs are, believing they only are contracted by "low-life". When they become infected themselves, they feel very "dirty". Even without STD infection, temporary sexual relationships can lower the self-respect of both the user and the used. Casual sex can lower self-esteem, which leads a person into further casual sex, which leads to further loss of self-esteem in an oppressive cycle, which is hard to break. On both sides of dehumanized sex, there is a loss of dignity and self-worth. As one 20-year-old male confides: "You feel pretty crummy when you get drunk at a party and have sex with some girl, and then the next morning you can't even remember who she was."" People are not things. When we treat them as if they were, we not only hurt them; we lose respect for ourselves. 5. THE CORRUPTION OF CHARACTER AND THE DEBASEMENT OF SEX When people treat others as sexual objects and exploit them for their own pleasure, they not only lose self-respect; they corrupt their characters and debase their sexuality in the process. Good character consists of virtues such as respect, responsibility, honesty, fairness, caring, and self-control. With regard to sex, self-control is particularly crucial. The breakdown of sexual self-control is a big factor in many of the sex-related problems that plague our society: rape, promiscuity, pornography, apiction to sex, sexual harassment, sexual abuse of children, sexual infidelity in marriage, and more. It was Freud who was obviously correct when he said that sexual self-control is essential for civilization. Once sexual restraint is removed, it easily takes over individuals and relationships, leading quickly to date rape, gangs requiring sexual touching and intercourse in order to "earn points", and a general disregard for individual privacy and modesty. In short, sex that is not tied to love and commitment undermines character by subverting self-control, respect, and responsibility. Unchecked, sexual desires and impulses run amok and lead to habits of hedonism and using others for one's personal pleasure. Sexual intercourse loses its meaning, beauty, and "special"ness. Instead of being a loving, uniquely intimate expression of two people's commitment to each other, sex is trivialized and degraded. 6. SHAKEN TRUST & FEAR OF COMMITMENT Young people who feel used or betrayed after the break-up of a sexual relationship may experience difficulty in future relationships. Some develop a low self-esteem and they seek any type of attention, no matter how short-lived and demeaning; others withdraw and have trouble trusting any more. One young woman noted: "Besides feeling cheap [after several sexual relationships], I began to wonder if there would ever be anyone who would love and accept me without demanding that I do something with my body to 'earn' that love." Boys also experience loss of trust: "I'm afraid of falling in love." 7. RAGE OVER BETRAYAL Sometimes the emotional reaction to being "dumped" isn't just a lack of trust or fear of commitment; but rage. The sense of betrayal is usually much greater if sex has been part of the relationship. Sex can be emotional dynamite. 8. DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE Kieran Sawyer wrote: "The more the relationship seems like real love, the more the young person is likely to invest, and the deeper the pain and hurt if the relationship breaks up." Sometimes the rupture leads to deep depression that may lead, in turn, to suicide. In the past 25 years, teen suicide has tripled. In a 1988 survey by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 1 of 5 adolescent girls stated they had tried to kill themselves (1 of 10 for boys). This is the same period during which the rate of teen sexual activity has sharply increased. Although there are certainly many causes, it is reasonable to suspect that the pain from such break-ups is a factor for some young people. 9. RUINED RELATIONSHIPS Sex can cause another kind of emotional consequence by turning good relationships bad. Other dimensions of the relationship stop developing and negative emotions enter, such as anger, impatience, jealousy, and selfishness. 10. STUNTING PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT Premature sexual involvement can not only stunt the development of the relationship; it can also stunt one's development as a person. Some young people handle anxieties by turning to drugs and alcohol, while others turn to sex. Sex becomes an escape. They do not learn how to cope with life's pressures. Just at the time when young people should be reaching out to form new friendships, join clubs and teams, develop their interests and skills, and take on bigger responsibilities, they are instead turning inward, absorbed in intense sexual relationships. The failure to grow during these years will affect them all their lives; they may never develop their full potential. Girls especially, tend to thwart their individuality, becoming part of the boy, gaining their self-worth from him. Girls can fail to develop their own interests and their own sense of independent identity. Dr. Carson Daly, college counselor, comments: "I don't think I ever met a student who was sorry he or she postponed sexual activity, but I certainly met many who deeply regretted their sexual involvements. Time and time again, I have seen the long-term emotional and spiritual desolation that results from casual sex and promiscuity. "No one ever tells students that it sometimes takes years to recover from the effects of these sexual involvements - if one ever fully recovers." Sex can certainly be a source of great pleasure and joy; but it can also be the source of deep wounds and suffering. We need to help and guide all young people to understand this. What makes the difference is the type of relationship within which sexual activity occurs. Sex is most joyful and fulfilling - most emotionally and physically safe - when it occurs within a loving, total, and binding life-long commitment, historically called marriage. Sexual union is then part of something bigger - the union of two persons' lives. Thomas Lickona, Ph.D., Director of the Center for the 4th and 5th Rs (Respect and Responsibility), based in Cortland, NY. The original article has been shortened.

One Sexual Partner

Woman who have multiple sexual partners damage their ability to bond with a future partner due to low oxytocin levels.

A girl's heart, like her body, is not designed to handle multiple sexual partners. The rate of suicide attempts for sexually active girls aged twelve to sixteen is six times higher than the rate for virgins.



New scientific studies suggest that if a woman has multiple sexual partners, this will lower her levels of oxytocin which in turn will damage her ability to bond. Oxytocin is a neuro-peptide most commonly associated with pregnancy and breast-feeding. It seems to act as a human "superglue," helping a mother bond with her infant. It is also released during sexual arousal and there, too, seems to work as a "superglue."

According to an article by Drs. John Diggs and Eric Keroack, "People who have misused their sexual faculty and become bonded to multiple persons will diminish the power of oxytocin to maintain a permanent bond with an individual."

Since estrogen enhances the oxytocin response, females are capable of more intense bonding than males, and are more susceptible to the suffering that accompanies broken bonds. Sharing the gift of sex is like putting a piece of tape on another person's arm. The first bond is strong, and it hurts to remove it. Shift the tape to another person's arm and the bond will still work, but it will be easier to remove. Each time this is done, part of each person remains with the tape. Soon it is easy to remove because the residue from the various arms interferes with the tape's ability to stick.

Article from Life Matters

Relationships of Friendship, Love and... Marriage

MARRIAGE: A WORTHY GOAL TO AIM FOR

Marriage benefits:

Marriage is the best recipe for a healthy, happy and fulfilled life, concludes research on emotional health

The research proves, married people are happier, healthier and richer. Dr. Waite has found that "marriage changes people's behavior in ways that make them better off." Married partners monitor each other's health, for example. They also drink less alcohol and use less marijuana and cocaine.

Research by professor of sociology presented a brand new recipe for a healthy life. The recipe is to get married. At the annual Smart Marriages Conference in Washington Dr. Waite said.

"People need to know this fact... Marriage is good for everyone.

As a University of Chicago researcher Dr. Waite says, she has found that marriage brings considerable benefits to both women and men. It lengthens life, substantially boosts physical and emotional health and raises income over that of single or divorced people or those who live together, she says.

The myth that marriage is an oppressive institution
The notion that marriage damages women's emotional well-being is just a wrong myth. Publication from 1972 reported that married men are better off than single men on four measures of psychological distress: depression, neurotic symptoms, phobic tendency and passivity.

These positive effects on women were not acknowledged, back then. Instead, single women, were portrait, to score higher on these traits than married women.

These findings were never replicated and were disputed even then. Yet the myth stayed in our popular culture. "They helped de-romanticize marriage", said Dr. William J. Doherty, a professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota.

"They matched the then-evolving belief that marriage is an oppressive institution for women."

New findings on emotional health
Since the 1970's, researchers have come up with better measures of emotional health, and on these, married women and men generally score very well. Further, in the last two years several large studies that tracked people in and out of relationships over a long period have produced evidence that marriage actually causes psychological well-being in both sexes.

By contrast, Dr. Bernard's material consisted of one-time glimpses of people's lives. While both Dr. Bernard and Dr. Waite based their conclusions on data from many studies, reducing the likelihood that either was reporting a fluke, marriage itself has changed in the intervening years in ways that generally make women happier.

Dr. Waite told the conference that her curiosity was aroused four years ago when she stumbled across "the marriage mortality benefit" -- statistics showing that married men and women live longer.

In a large national sample of adults followed for 18 years beginning at the age of 48, slightly more than 60 percent of divorced and never-married women made it to 65, as opposed to nearly 90 percent of married women. Widowed women, for reasons not entirely clear, fared almost as well as married women. Among men, however, those unmarried for any reason -- whether widowed, divorced or never married -- had only a 60 to 70 percent chance of living to 65, versus 90 percent for married men.

Increase in "bad behaviors" among those who stayed single
From detailed reports on 50,000 men and women followed from their senior year in high school to the age of 32 by University of Michigan researchers, Dr. Waite discerned a steep increase in "bad behaviors" among those who stayed single, but a "precipitous drop" in bad behaviors like the use of alcohol or illegal drugs among those who married.

Drawing heavily on a study of 13,000 adults assessed in 1987 and 1988 and again in 1992 and 1993, Dr. Waite demonstrated the positive impact that marriage has on mental health. The study, conducted by two psychologists at the University of Wisconsin, Nadine F. Marks and James D. Lambert, will be published in November in The Journal of Family Issues.

It is not just that people who remained married reported significantly higher levels of happiness than those who remained single. The data showed that those who separated or divorced over the five-year period became, in Dr. Waite's word, miserable.

Married women happier than single women
Men and especially women who married for the first time during the course of the study experienced a sharp increase in happiness. Remarriage, however, brought only a modest increase in happiness.

Dr. Waite noted that Dr. Bernard similarly found married women happier than single women, but relegated that fact to her book's appendix.

In addition, marriage appeared to reduce the degree of depression. Men and especially women whose marriages ended over the five-year period experienced high levels of depression compared with those who stayed married. Single men as a group were depressed at the outset of the study and became more depressed if they stayed single.

Compelling as he found these data, Dr. Doherty, the University of Minnesota professor, noted that they represent population-based averages. They do not mean that everyone is better off married than single, or that people are bound to be happy and healthy if they marry the wrong person.

Hinges satisfaction with sex in marriage
Emotional health also hinges on satisfaction with sex, and in this realm marriage serves both men and women, but delivers a special bonus to women. First of all, Dr. Waite said, married people have sex twice as often as single people. Unmarried couples who live together also have an active sex lives but, like unmarried people, get less emotional satisfaction from it than married people, the studies found.

For married men, satisfaction hinges on sexual frequency, fidelity and emotional commitment to the relationship. For women, these elements are equally important, but just the fact of being married added an extra kick to their sexual satisfaction. "Men make an investment in pleasing their partner because of their ongoing relationship," Dr. Waite said. "People who are committed to a partner get more than sex out of sex."

Married people are better off financially
Married people also have more money. From her own analysis of a National Institute of Aging survey of 12,000 people 51 to 61 years of age, Dr. Waite found that married people have more than twice as much money, on average, as unmarried people. Married couples not only save more while enjoying some economies of scale, but married men also earn up to 26 percent more than single men.

Similarly, married women earn more than unmarried women, but only if they have no children. When they have children, "they trade some time earning for time with their children," Dr. Waite said. If the women continue to work, she added, they have difficulty getting child care, and experience stress trying to balance two sets of demands.

Less domestic violence among married couples
Married women are not only happier and wealthier than single women, Dr. Waite found, they are also safer. Moderate domestic violence (defined as as hitting, shoving or throwing things at a partner) occurred half as often with married couples and cohabiting couples engaged to marry than it did with cohabiting couples not planning to marry.

The findings suggest that there is more to marriage than just a social bond. There appears to be something specifically protective about the long-term commitment that marriage entails.

All told, marriage seems to be "an unmitigated good" for men, Dr. Waite added. For women, marriage indeed brings increased life satisfaction and happiness, but those benefits are "part of a package" that also includes family demands that are sometimes burdensome.

Perhaps, she suggested, this was what Jessie Bernard really meant.

Tuesday, August 4, 1998,
Excerpts from The New York Times article